Let me be your extra tyre!

Okay this is not one of my ficticious stories this one is based on certain recent events…

I have been back in Lagos for a few months and I have to say its been amazing. One of my main troubles is having access to unlimited internet data, well thats a story for another day. Today I want to tell you a story of the simple Nigerian man from a certain point of view. In Lagos every man is always on the woman hunt, well except the few very devoted ones who believe in monogamy or the ones too wrapped up in themselves be it their career or money problems (yes no amount of money is ever enough for the Nigerian man). As an above average female you have to be prepared to endure male advances every turn you take, be it at a supermarket, a car park, church, and even in traffic. I’ll share with you today three different incidents that you might find interesting.

OLD YORUBA MAN AT OFFICE

I am currently doing my NYSC (please refer to google most Nigerians should know what this means)  at a Federal Ministry. I feel like everyday at the office is an experience to me no day is the same as the previous day, I get to meet different people each day who come with different agendas. Since I love studying human behaviour this place has been perfect to meet different Nigerians from different backgrounds and hear different stories about peoples reality. Well at my office no matter how I try to blend in I have still been put in the category of “rich kid who just came back from London”. Imagine someone at work told me that he is sure after my NYSC I would never have to work a day in my life and I am here thinking what the *mind my language* do you know about me? off course he too makes what in a civilised environment would be called sexual harassment undertone comments to me (No 1 rule in Nigeria there is no sexual harassment there are only compliments). In London if someone offered me N15,000 just to kiss my lips in the office I would be in HR office the next second but in my Nigerian Federal Ministry office all I can do is laugh and walk away. Anyway back to the old yoruba man story one day I was helping a friend at the office with something on her laptop and there were a bunch of people waiting in the room to get to see my boss. My hand was leaning on her chair while I was standing over her and I felt someone touch my hand, my reflex was to move it immediately but then i felt someone touch it again and I turned around and alas found a round bellied oily old yoruba man smiling at me. He was dressed in the I am an Oga(big man) type of way in a native attire, I greeted him and he answered back saying he thought I was someone else. That I have the same stature of the girl, but now he has seen my face that he was mistaken and I was more beautiful. I awkwardly smiled and thanked him and turned back to continue helping my friend, but then he wouldn’t let me be, he kept on asking me questions and I politely answered them. The questioning led to him asking me what samsung galaxy my phone was, I told him it was the five and he asked please if he could have a look that he had the three and wanted to know if it was worth getting. Before I could say Jack robinson he has dragged my phone from my hand and starts having a look, I turned at another corper and he whispered to me *I hope you have nothing explicit on there*  and I shook my head. Old yoruba man kept asking me questions about the phone, and asked why his galaxy three wasn’t like mine and eventually returned my phone. I looked through the phone to try to see what he had been up to and my guy had dialled three different numbers which I assumed to be his. He eventually went into my bosses office to have his meeting and on his way out announced so “Itoro be expecting my call later”. And that was my cue to block all three numbers. The other male corper who had witnessed everything was stunned, he just came to Nigeria from America and claims he had never seen anything like that how an old man just casually,forcefully but not obviously got what he wanted which was a lady’s number without her permission. I asked other people in the office who the guy was, and why he would think i’d be interested and all they answered was that he was a very rich influential man and can do whatever he likes. Welcome to Lagos!

HAIR STYLIST WHO LIVES ON THE MAINLAND 

So a couple of weeks ago I escort my friend to a salon I recommended, I only discovered it and it was near where we lived. It was a male hair stylist doing her hair and we all joined in conversation while there. He asked when we would come again and my friend booked another appointment but I insisted I wasn’t doing anything to my hair for a while. Another day I was in the same shopping complex to do something else and he spotted me in the car park and was saying that he was still expecting me I said well not today. He threw in some compliments here and there and I just laughed and went my way I had company. Yesterday I was in the same shopping complex in the evening to get my nails done, and he spotted me in the car park and ran down to the stairs to meet me on my way up. He says your hair needs brushing, I said I know its late evening its been a long day from here Im going home to sleep. He said well you are too beautiful and your hair should be on point all times, let me just do something to it, brush it, style it anything. I said I came to do my nails somewhere else not even on your floor, he said come do your nails here while I do your hair you don’t have to pay anything. He was so persistent and wouldn’t leave so I said okay you can blow dry my hair and repack it. This put a huge smile on his face and he started the magic, and started saying how he doesn’t know how he has been thinking of me since I came with my friend. He said he had never seen anyone who looked like me, that the last time he saw me he couldn’t convince me but this time he wasn’t going to let me go. He said but he can’t afford a babe like me, that life is unfair then he says you know what “start coming to collect my salary”. I was just laughing through it all, I mean I needed the laughter I had been obsessing over something and this was a nice distraction. He said just start coming here every morning for me to brush your hair everyday free of charge that I would be doing him a favour. Then he ordered someone to bring me a glass of magic moments (an alcoholic drink) by then the nail girl in the salon had started my nails. He went on telling me how beautiful I was, I still refused to tell him my name, he goes on to tell me his and ask me if I knew the mainland, that he lives there and thats one clue that he could never afford me, but me letting him do my hair would be okay enough for him. He asked for my number to say hello from time to time and I said no instead ill take his number and call him when Id be coming to my hair properly, he said that was better than nothing.  He started calling a shawarma guy on his phone to bring one for me I stopped him, he said okay do you want dominos I said no thank you i’m okay. He asked where I was from I said Akwa Ibom, then he goes “all my life I’ve been looking for Akwa Ibom babe but them wowo until you”. He said I don’t even know what I have, that whoever has me is so lucky that if I was his girl he would become so rich within a week. I was like why would you say that, he says his friends would just start giving him money for his good fortune for getting someone like me. When it was time to go I asked what he wanted for blow drying my hair and he got offended and said didn’t I see how happy was to do it that he meant it when he said he just wanted to do it for free. He also told the nail girl not to collect money from me that he was covering that, I was okay now you don’t have to do that i’m happy to pay and he goes “No fall my hand” I apologised and said okay but when next I come to do my hair properly Id pay he said okay. He insisted on carrying my bag and walked me to my car and wished me good night. I found the whole experience hilarious not everything can be written in words you needed to be there, the whole salon staff and guest just kept laughing.

YOUNG GOVERNMENT DRIVER

I told you I am doing my NYSC right? well one of the requirements is that I go to my NYSC secretariat every now and then for different things such as community development and monthly clearance. This time I was there for clearance, which I was done with but waiting downstairs to give a couple of people who were going my way a lift. I found a hall downstairs that had the air conditioners on (it was boiling hot and I am pretty sure I was sweating like a christmas goat). While there a guy I had met outside the building earlier in the day came in to talk to me. As usual I am messaging on my phone or playing candy crush and would rather not be disturbed. He starts chatting me up, and starts telling me about himself, he works in the Lagos state government as a driver and he is normally at a different office but here today. I don’t remember if I gave him my real name or not but then he starts asking for my number. So I stop him saying there is no point in that, that I have a boyfriend. He says “let me ask you something”  I said “go on” he says “I saw you came here with a car, do you have a spare tyre inside?” I say “yes” he says “then let me be your spare tyre, let me be your extra tyre!”. I bursted out laughing, was this guy serious, that has to be the best pick up line I have ever heard. He goes on saying but seriously my boyfriend didn’t need to know about him just like I probably don’t know of all his other female friends. Luckily for me he looked out and saw his boss, so he apologised that he had to leave and just then the people who I was giving a lift finally come down and I headed out of the building.

Nigerian men just love the chase whether it is someone in their tax bracket or someone they perceive they cannot afford. As a lady you will always get guys hit on you, and you shouldn’t take it seriously but laugh it off even if you are not interested. Giving someone your number is not the end of the world, most phones have ability to block numbers, you can block people on social media too. Do not get rude to guys making advances on you, instead of getting worked up you can find comedy in it all. The minute you go another girl comes and they start the chase again, not time for regrets. Its easy for people to compliment strangers and says all these things they cannot get embarrassed by because they do not know you from any where. The guys in your life may not compliment you in such a fierce manner because they know they have you and they have a filter or what ever reason.